Lauren Boebert ’25
Just when women thought more of their problems couldn’t be alleviated, Congress recently passed a piece of legislation on March 30 that elected officials are deeming the “Women Belong” Bill. Following last year’s divisive Dobbs v. Jackson Supreme Court verdict in which the US judiciary overturned the abortion privileges (not rights!) protected by Roe v. Wade, Congress members reportedly felt “inspired” and “motivated to make wives, mothers, and future wives even more focused on their life’s purposes: servitude, submission, and contentment with domestic days.” A thorough review of the bill points to two main provisions: the revocation of suffrage for women and their loss of public or private transportation use. It ensures no more female votes infuse more women into politics because husbands and children at home beg for the attention of their wives and mothers. Outlawing transportation for women, including driving privileges, emphasizes that women should feel no need to venture anywhere beyond their houses, given that all a proper housewife would require is right at home. Reduced mobility is a particularly welcome addition to public life; we no longer require complicated plane or train routes running through our pretty little heads. Taking the road to jobs and selfish shopping sprees will cease to exist as the Women Belong Bill promotes a perfect, cooperative vision of the American woman. Talk about an upgrade.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene excitedly unveiled the bill’s contents to the public on Thursday as she touted the benefits of its provisions for women, “If anything, this is a perfect ending to Women’s History Month,” Rep. Greene elaborated. “‘Women Belong’ is a perfect name for this bill because it promotes women’s reversion towards exactly where we belong: the home and the kitchen, serving our families.” When asked about women in political offices (such as Greene herself), she proclaimed that a proud aspect of the suffrage revocation in the Women Belong Bill also includes exclusion from all political participation. As such, she and all other female politicians will be resigning from office as they “reassess their priorities” as a result of this legislation.
The emergence of the Women Belong Bill represents an exciting victory for women nationwide. Women are now free to spend more time caring for the family unit instead of attending to their pesky professions or masculine hobbies. With no cars, women are not distracted by the temptation of transportation to other locations beyond the home; with no votes, we need not worry ourselves with complex matters that detract from our enjoyment of marital bliss and the joys of motherhood. With the Women Belong Bill, we no longer need to pretend to enjoy contributing ideas or making decisions because variety and autonomy are a man’s game!
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