Drinking through a Wet, Hot, American Summer

Hunter Savery ’20

A&E Editor

Summer is only at an end in the most formal sense. Mother nature’s been out of school for years and it’s far too early to usher in the cider and pumpkin spice. From music festivals to Bob Mueller’s testimony, 2019 gave us a lot of reason to drink, and whether you had a hot girl summer or a sweaty boy summer, you probably found yourself celebrating with a drink in hand, so I offer an ode to the drinks of summer 2019. These are only some of the many drinks that made an iconic summer, we only had room for the best of the best and apologies are owed to Narragansett, Naturdays, the G&T, fight milk, the Daytona Corona, etc. etc.
No list of this summer’s beverages would be complete without highlighting the work of the fine folks over at White Claw. We Bantams have been long-time followers of the Claw, but 2019 has seen the hard seltzer brand reaching new heights and an unexpected foray into the legal field. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts declared that there truly “ain’t no laws when you’re drinking claws” in the majority opinion of a remarkable 8-1 ruling and America has never been the same since. Justice Clarence Thomas made the one dissenting vote, we at the Tripod encourage Clarence to lighten up.
Yes, I must admit, I too thought that both wine and canned goods had gone about as far as they could possibly go. Perfectly good, but without much room for innovation, boy, was I ever wrong. In hindsight, canned wine was as inevitable as the ennui of a first bite of Mather food after a long summer. Canned wine has made vino more portable than ever, no more broken corks and broken dreams. Canned wine is perfect for a day on the quad or your next family function.
It should be noted that Danny Devito pioneered drinking wine from a can in the mid-2000s, the fact that it took this long to come to market is thus remarkable, and I am just as ashamed as any winemaker that this trend took so long to arrive. To avoid the embarrassment of not seeing this trend coming I would like to make two predictions for next summer’s most innovative and inevitable drinks: canned vodka and spiked oat milk. Mark my words.
According to 1948’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR), it’s not summer without margarita pitchers and who am I to run afoul of international law? Margs are by all means a human right, whether classic, frozen, or guzzled by the pitcher surrounded by your coworkers, everyone can enjoy this tasty tequila treat. The margarita is the undisputed happy hour champion as everyone outside Boston knows. Grab a pitcher next time you’re out with friends or the next time you turn on MSNBC. You’ll need it.
Of course it would be a dereliction of duty to leave the great and honorable “twea” off this list. Classic or flavored, brand name or homemade, sipped by the can or by the bag, twea is the greatest hybrid since the Prius. This caffeinated crowdpleaser is always the right choice for summertime debauchery. As a result of my longstanding rivalry with the South, I don’t usually go in for “sweet tea,” but I will gladly lay down my arms for an ice cold twea. As long as you’ve got a twea in hand the summer in your heart will never die.
An unexpected late entry into the drink of the summer battle royale is the “Spaghett’.” Haling from Baltimore, this beverage alone has disproved all of President Trump’s vile comments about the city. The drink, which was detailed in a recent Epicurious article, is both simple and worldly. It starts with a classic Miller High Life, the “champagne of beers,” then an ounce of Aperol, and lemon. Spagett is the great equalizer bringing the pretentious and played out Aperol Spritz down to earth in union with the venerable and egalitarian High Life. If it’s above 70° you may very well see me on Crescent Street with one of these baddies.
What more could one want except a tall cool glass of Grey Poupon? Chic, elegant, and insisted upon by our corporate sponsors, there is no better way to finish a long summer day than with a tumbler full of Dijon’s finest. This refreshing “beverage” pairs equally well with a Rolls-Royce or a ham sandwich. Snooty and disgusting, a glass of premium French mustard is quite frankly the best distraction from rising global temperatures and the blistering sunburn associated with a depleted ozone layer. Try it neat or on the rocks, or for a sustainable twist, why not try a reusable metal straw with your Grey Poupon.
We all drank many drinks this summer, but let us recognize these all-stars for their contributions to the last summer of the decade. Who knows what the roaring 20’s will have in store: a Juul tonic, an edible Solo cup, maybe flying beer, just know that you can always return to the Tripod’s A&E section for the latest updates.